This one goes out to all the junior ministers being reshuffled in and wondering just what the hell is going on.
Here are a few common tropes you will see come up again and again in Westminster.
“WTD – Will This Do?”
Most commonly seen as a response to a minister making a commitment which nobody knows how to actually implement without causing ructions.
This often occurs when reality and rhetoric are at odds or where the policy area in question has become an impenetrable quagmire over time.
This week provided a classic example of a WTD with a HM Treasury policy paper on Lifetime Allowances. A seemingly dull technical issue regarding pensions which is causing a mass exodus of consultants from the NHS, so the Health Secretary has made a commitment to fix it.
So we get this piece of wonder. I am a Jesuit educated astrophysicist and reading it made my nose bleed.
“SBI – Someone’s Bright Idea”
Somebody has had an idea. That’s not a bad thing in itself, the problem is that the idea has become unrooted from reality and instead haunts Whitehall, clanking chains and wailing, say, “Identity cards” in any meeting on any topic. Severe cases may require complete isolation or a column in the Daily Telegraph. Oh hang on, that’s a tautology.
Always ask for the name of the actual person who owns any idea. If nobody owns up then move swiftly on.
“GCC – Golf Course Conversation”
Senior people have been talking to good chaps. Often on the golf course.
The classic symptom of this affliction is when there is a sudden announcement out of the blue about “industry experts” being “parachuted in” to “improve efficiency”.
It’s often unclear what these people are experts in but they are offering their services to government at an amazing discount. As a junior minister you will find them arriving in your office spouting management speak about “Driving efficiency growth through the harmonisation of cross-platform delivery matrices”. Ask your officials to assign them to the least critical and remotest programme you have. They will evaporate within 6 months but often leave a “report” behind them. You will not need to read it.
Mark O'Neill 