Cúig

The fifth cycle begins.

The rituals remain the same – the three week cycle, the ceremony of taking bloods and measuring the body 3 or 4 days before the infusion, the infusion itself where the patient overworked staff struggle to find a working vein beneath my pallid Irish flesh as my body reacts like a tenant farmer confronted by a land agent, the soft and friendly chats between us who are here as patients and see illusion but not hope fade. Hope is always with us, the cheerfulness of honesty.

And so we reach the fifth cycle of chemotherapy. Where every cycle is the same yet completely different.

And the stages of the three weeks themselves. The wonkiness immediately after infusion.

Week One of sudden … … … NAPS! The brain fog. The nerve twinges and the difficulty in just drinking still water. The 3 x Capecitabine tablets twice a day. The difficulty in retaining a train of thought for longer than… Look! A dog! Being stuck indoors all week as the world becomes just clouds drifting across a sky.

Week Two of having a severe nerve pain in every tooth in your mouth. Of waiting and waiting for the nerve tingling to stop so you can have an ice lolly. Of getting bursts of hiccups where you sound like an embarrassed kitten. Of cautiously chewing everything a dozen times and hoping that this time the guts will be happy. Of discovering that your taste buds have changed yet again so the thing you lived off of last cycle now tastes like salt and burnt metal but the thing you could not eat in cycle 1 is now fine.

Week three, the blessed rest week! No pills just a morning of the hospital rituals. And then the moments of reality snatched, grabbed before the cycle restarts. Family, friends seen for moments. But such important moments. The world still exists! There is something more than … Oh but now it’s time for the next infusion.

But what counts is praxis!

So some more tips for anyone else riding this train.

Your sense of time will be shot so you will need distractions for the odd hours.

The Nintendo Switch is your pal. You will find a suitable distraction no matter your tastes. Animal Crossing, Stardew Valley, Bear and Breakfast are all fun time sinks. But nothing beats a good RPG for hours of zen oblivion.

Noise cancelling headphones are essential. ESSENTIAL! And calming music for low level listening like Drone Zone.

And books. Paperbacks only! And not too thick because you will absolutely drop one on your face during a nap attack.

OUCH!